So it was announced this week that Beyonce will indeed
continue her quest for world domination be the live entertainment for the Superbowl XLVII halftime show. Yep, just her…no montage of performers…just Beyonce…for 30 freakin’ minutes! For some of you mancavers I know that this announcement is exactly what you’ve been waiting for after years of watered down performances by barely relevant entertainers. This year you all will get some real live half naked gyrating and ass popping by non other than Ms. Bootylicious herself. And for others of you, unless she plans to pop a titty out, you will use these prime 30 minutes of halftime as an opportunity to restock the nacho bowl. But regardless of your level of enthusiasm, Ms. Carter will indeed be rocking the stage at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on February 3rd and so I have decided to put together a few tips for her to make sure that her show is as fantabulous as all her stans swear it will be and all the Beyonce loathers pray that it will not be!
1. Leave Jay-Z in the audience…please: These two have taken all of the surprise out of bringing your boo on stage for a surprise set because they do it ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Yes we know you two are married and on the top of your game in your respected genres. Great. Now give it a rest. Plus you two give us those same dry ass non-touching performances you were giving out back when you all were trying to hide the fact that you were indeed an item. Unless Jay is coming out to lay hands on your ass, leave his ass in the stands!
2. Secure the tattas: We know that Beyonce is waaaay to
robotic classy to do anything crass like M.I.A’s middle finger stunt from last year buuuuut there is a high possibility for a wardrobe malfunction a la Janet in 2004 and while I know most of you wouldn’t mind it we, as in those of us who actually anticipate the halftime show each year, can NOT afford another “Nipplegate!” If this happens all I have to say is: Beyonce hide ya camel and hide ya kids because I will NOT go back to another 8 years of watching dried up entertainers (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? C’mon son!) try to recapture their golden years on the 50 yard line.
3. Keep your weave away from the pyrotechnics: Yaki, Remi, fur from the underside of a baby goats behind…whatever you will have sitting in mounds upon your head will be FLAMMABLE! Add hairspray to the equation and WOSH! Learn the lesson from the late great Michael Jackson…
4. Throw little sis a bone: “But if you could have Beyonce would you take Solange?” Poor Solange. She has had to live her entire life as the awkward looking younger sister of a pop superstar. Then said superstar goes and marries a hip hop mogul and procreates to produce a little ball of “rap royalty” leaving Solange in a very distant fourth place for any recognition from anyone. For this reason alone Beyonce should let little sis at least sing do-wop in the background or remix a verse on one of her songs. Hell even Michelle got to sing 3.5 lines on the last Destiny’s Child album.
5. NOLA Tribute: And on a more serious note, the single most awesome thing that Beyonce can do during her 30 minute halftime show is to properly acknowledge the city of New Orleans for battling back from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and being in the position to even host the 2013 Superbowl.
Speaking from experience Beyonce is a great live performer so this year’s halftime show should be nothing short of entertaining…and if she follows my advice prepare for something absolutely AMAZEballs!